“The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe.” – Joanna Macy
It has been said in various ways that when the heart breaks, it is meant to break open. This was certainly true for me. My efforts to make sense of the breakdown of my first marriage in 2003 led me to a huge and beautiful energetic opening – reopening, in fact, though I didn’t realize it at the time. As I struggled to pick up the pieces of my life as a single mother with two small children, I launched myself into my healing journey with conscious eating, cleansing, fasting, and all things energy. It was at this time that I also became a Reiki Master and began to study shamanic traditions, astral travel, and relaxation massage therapy, as well as Feng Shui and Numerology.
At every turn, a simple message kept repeating itself – We are Love, and all we are here to do is to be Love. I didn’t realize that the consuming drive I felt to immerse myself in all aspects of this truth was preparing me for another healing crisis (completely repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse) that broke its way to the surface in late 2005. I needed all the consciousness and tools at my disposal to survive this time and the PTSD and disordered eating that followed.
In the following years, I self-published a children’s book, completed a Raw Food Nutrition certificate and became a Raw Food Gourmet Chef. I also continued to independently research several other avenues of energy medicine and spirituality as they called to me. I began a small business combining energy healing and holistic nutrition, but the gears didn’t align (call it a combination of timing, the recession, rookie mistakes, etc.). I had to let the dream go and return with a heavy heart to the restaurant business, which had been my first job after babysitting, put me through university, and got me back on my feet after the end of my first marriage.
My path continued to wind along. I met my husband, had two more beautiful children, and navigated various other life events that left little room for picking my dream back up again. I tried my best to “love the questions” and trust that “God’s delay is not God’s denial,” but I must admit, there was a perpetual ache deep inside me that wondered why there were no doors opening for me to do what I believed in my heart I’m here to do.
It was like a breakup with no closure that, in my quiet moments, left me feeling angry, sad, betrayed, and doubtful of myself and the Universe. And yet, I could not deny a truth that niggled inside me. Our own feelings are our own responsibility, and they show us where we need healing.
All along my journey, I have always received the clear message that my deepest learnings and most profound insights would come directly from Source if I committed to doing my own healing work. I was directed to become as clear and conductive a vessel as possible, and to use that knowledge to serve with my voice and my hands.
We cannot love anyone more deeply than we can love ourselves, and holding space is an act of love. “As above, so below, as within, so without,” as Alyson Noel expressed it. Simply put, I needed to hold space for myself through the chaos of my own difficult, heavy emotions to free up the love at their core.
Happily, it now feels very much time to pick up my dream again, open the doors wide, and to share my purpose with others.
So, here I am. I am doing my best to embody Infinite Love more deeply every day of my life’s journey, and I humbly offer up a healing space and a helping hand to all fellow travellers making their way home, as well.